Saturday, May 24, 2008

She's Always A Woman

Today, I was going through some CDs being donated to the libary, but that I needed to grab some songs off of. One of them was a Billy Joel Greatest Hits album and the title song above was one of them.

When I hear it, it reminds me of a very specific time in my life. I was a freshman in college. I had a group of friends in high school but most of them went away for school and I stayed in our home town for the first year because I really couldn't afford to do anything else. So I was basically starting out on my own for the first time in 12 years. I didn't know hardly anyone at my school and I actually kind of liked it. Growing up in a small town led to years of knowing the same kids, what to expect and how to get by. Now, it was all new and no one knew me or expected something specific from me.

I started to make decisions on my own. I started to spend time doing some things that I either didn't know I was interested in before or had put on the back burner because they didn't fit into my life. I left my high school job at McDonald's and started driving for Domino's pizza. I would deliver to the college dorms and started to meet a few people that lived there or worked with me at Domino's from the school. My confidence began to grow as I made friends.

I worked parttime at a boat yard at the lake teaching/renting sailboats. I made new friends there. I started to get noticed by boys that I didn't grow up with and this was a huge boost to my self esteem and body image...I think this was the first time since puberty that I felt like my body was cute. I learned how to flirt and enjoyed the reaction I could create. I never thought I was ugly growing up but I always thought I was fat, even when I was playing soccer year around.

I started playing soccer with the club team at the school and was the only girl on the team. I became the "little sis" to everyone on the team and it felt great to have a bunch of friends that I could count on.

Okay, so back to the song. During this time, one of the players developed a crush on me but I didn't know it. His name was Kevin and he was a defender like me. He was really nice and we were friends outside of soccer but I didn't know how he felt about me. We hung out all the time, went to dinners and I even went to see his trio play at the local restaurants.

At one point, I was over at his place, talking to him about this other boy I had a crush on...disappointed I believe because I had just discovered that he had a girlfriend back in his home town. It was hard on me because he also played soccer with us on occasion and so I would see him more than my heart could take. I confessed this all to Kevin not knowing how he felt about him.

The next week, he called me, telling me that we needed to meet. He had some news for me. So I met with him. He gave me this note and a cassette tape he had made for me. This Billy Joel song was one of the songs on there. I listened to the tape and read the note...I was shocked. I had no idea. I felt horrible for having confessed my feelings for this other boy to him knowing how much it must have hurt him. Problem was that I didn't feel the same for him as he felt for me. He had told me he loved me and would always love me. I didn't know how to react and thankfully because it was in a letter and on a tape, I didn't have to react face to face but eventually I did have to face him. He had said in the letter that he knew I didn't feel the same as him but that was okay, he still loved me and wanted to be my friend. It changed everything. We were never that close again.

The tape had some really awesome songs on it, and I listened to it long after Kevin was not in my life anymore but now, I always think of him and that time in my life when I finally realized the effect I might have on a boy and how that could be a good and a bad thing anytime I hear songs off that tape.

I wonder if I have the tape somewhere??? Knowing me, I have the letter somewhere in storage...but I am not sure about the tape.


Two Years Ago on In My Words...Blog Passwords


Haha said...

I bet you have both! Isn't it wonderful and strange how music takes us to a special time or memory. I think that is why it is called the universal language. What a bittersweet memory - thanks for sharing it.

Just a Girl said...

That's sweet and sad all at once. Oh young love crushes...