R.I.P. Madison

She was a gift to us from a familiy friend when I was still in high school. She was so little when we got her. When we would let her out to use the bathroom, she would lose track of where we were and start meowing. When my parents moved to a new house while I was college, she learned the art of being a pet slut....that is what I called it because she would do anything for a pet. We had a part of the yard that was at waist height for pedestrians walking past our house and she would lay there and get pets from strangers all day long.

At Christmas, she always broke into the doggie treats under the tree instead of her own treats. She would sit for hours in the kitchen watching under the stove in the dark, and on a few occasions, we would catch her running around the corner of the house with nothing but a mouse tail sticking out of her mouth. She always was a talker...meowed all the time to fill us in on her day, or if she wanted something, even just if she had something she needed to add to the conversation. She also liked to butt her head up against the coffee table or your leg if she wasn't getting enough pets. Sometimes she would hit it so hard on the coffee table that you could hear it in another room. In the days before animals were banned from being on the futurniture, she loved to be the lump in the bed....she would climb up under the covers and you would see nothing but a little circle-shaped lump.

After my husband and I got married she came to live with us in our apt and had to be turned into an indoor cat. She didn't like this much at first, so we would let her on our third floor balcony once in a while. She eventually came to love being an indoor cat and didn't like to even try for the outdoors, but still liked a warm spot in the sun through a window if she could find it. She didn't appreciate it when we adopted Chase a few years later, but after a bit of time, she did learn to tolerate her.

She moved across the US and back, with us even though she was never fond of being in the car. She also moved to Japan with us. She was our first traveling kitty (Chase became the second). She became deaf when we were in Japan...didn't stop her from talking though. I would have to stomp on the floor if I wanted to get her attention. She always came to you when you called her (a trait she taught Chase, thankfully). I always said I tolerated our two cats because they acted more like dogs than cats...LOL.

When she was 19, I noticed that she wasn't eating much, and took her in to the vet. They weren't sure what was going on with her. She was on prescription food for years because she was allergic to the fillers in regular cat food so we knew it wasn't the food. I started making plain chicken for her and she bucked up and ate again. But this only lasted for a few days and then she stopped even eating that. She wasn't drinking much water and developed a UTI. I took her back in. They kept her all day, took some scans of her and ran some blood work. Results were that her liver was very tiny (not sure if it had been like that forever or had shrunk during aging). Her liver wasn't functioning right.

Our options were bleak, involved surgery and a feeding tube. We didn't want that kind of life for her. She was 19 years old and had been a great companion to our us and deserved to not suffer. Putting her to sleep was the hardest thing I had ever done. J and I both were completely torn up but we toughed it out to do the right thing for her. I miss her terribly...she was always such a joy to us. We feels like our family has shrunk.
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Five Years Ago on In My Words...Many Times

Mike's Last Day

Today is the last day of my life.

It seems that I have always had problems with keeping life in perspective. It is like a faucet that only has on and off, no middle ground. There have been times when things were good and under control but it seems like it never lasted for long, either the faucet was on or off.

I am sure there are issues from my childhood that play into this but I have to wonder if most of it is not just a personality trait. I mean, I have siblings that have lives, which are by no means perfect, but are a far cry better than what I am currently experiencing. I have never been one to blame my problems on other people and I can't say that there is something specific that my parents or other family members did to me that would cause my life to turn out so drastically different than my brother or sister's did. So I would have to say I have always had an "addictive" personality and that plays a huge part in how I make my decisions and ultimately how my life turns out.

Enough of the self-analysis. I had things good for a while, at several different times in my life. There was my first marriage when I had my kids and it looked like I was going to have a normal life. I really did love my wife, and my kids, and all that we had but once again, for me, it is all or nothing and I guess I felt like something was missing and so I had to fix it. Of course, if you talk to anyone else, looking from the outside, they would tell you that I had it all and just didn't know it. So would be the story of my life. Eventually my wife and I divorced but we stayed on good terms and I was able to play a role in the upbringing of my kids. I am not sure if this will be a blessing for them or not. Anyhow, being single again led me to develop new friends and new activities. I started partying more and experimented with some recreational drugs. In hindsight this was probably not a good decision on my part. I found before long that I was enjoying the recreation more than regular life.

At some point in the middle of all of this, I got injured on the job in a big way. This injury led me to more potent drugs for the pain, to which I found myself dependent. For some time I was not able to work, and I think that this changed my way of thinking in many ways. I was not in control of my life anymore, I felt like someone had taken that control from me. I only felt good when I was high and that made me feel even more out of control. I began the long process of trying to sue my employer for my accident, I guess I felt I had to do something to improve my situation. I am sure that my current lifestyle helped justify my new "thinking". I often wonder if I hadn't been injured, if things would have turned out differently or not. I could blame all my future problems on this but I have to take some accountability for the choices I have made in life.

Eventually, I was back on my feet, but still dependent on drugs and the lifestyle that came with it. I was dealing drugs on the side to make some money, while I was waiting for my settlement. My attorney was constantly telling me that it would be big and it would be soon but it seemed like nothing ever happened. Even with the things that were going on externally, I did feel happy during this time in my life. I was actively involved with my kids and on speaking terms with my ex-wife. I had my own home and pretty much did as I wanted each day. I reconnected with a love interest from the past while at a bar and we were dating pretty steadily. She was a wonderful woman who added much to my life at that point.

After a period of years, we decided to get married. We were really in love. We had a beautiful wedding and moved into our own place at last. It was fabulous. I mean of course there were issues but it really felt like my life was going okay again. This woman turned out to be the love of my life and I know now how much hell I put her through during our relationship. Not long after we got married, it became evident to everyone I knew that I had a problem and needed some help. I wanted to get control of my drug and alcohol issues so I could lead a more fulfilling life. My wife helped me get treatment and I came out of rehab feeling rejuvenated and a completely new man. She joined me in my sobriety and together we tackled daily life with an addiction and in most cases we won. I was still not working and still waiting on my settlement. She worked pretty regularly and that kept us out of debt. This time, which spans over 8+ years, has to be the best time of my life. If I had an addiction during this time, it was an addiction to her. She was everything to me and everything I did was for her or for us.

I still to this day, I do not know what happened to that time in my life, how I managed to let it out of my grasp. It was never perfect, no one's life is but it was good for the most part. I guess there was a time when I started to divert, from my addiction to my life with my wife, to an addiction to gambling. That is one thing that has been constant in my life for many years, addiction. In one form or another, and I am not sure if the addiction to her and my life with her could necessarily be considered a good thing. Perhaps it only hid the symptoms of a larger problem that surfaced when I began to gamble. The gambling and the deceit and betrayal that came with it eventually was the end of our life together. We broke up several times and got back together several times but she didn't trust me anymore and finally decided that she couldn't live that way any longer. We stayed friends, I know she still loved me, she just needed more and I was in no shape to give it to her. After we broke up, I used up my other friends and family to the point that no one trusted me or wanted much to do with me. I know this.

I started to drink again. It was the only relief that I could find to the life I had made for myself. Without a job and the motivation to get one, I was soon on the street and living on the charity of others. I made several missions my home until I got booted from them by breaking the rules. Once again, things were out of control and I seemed either willing to go with it or just didn't care enough anymore. It is during this time that I made a couple of close friends, friends that I have to this day. It is kind of interesting when you make friends when you are this low. You know that they are not your friends for anything you have, they are there because they want to be. Anyhow, these friends and I have always had a deal. When one of us comes into some money, we rent a hotel room, get some food and some alcohol. The plan is to celebrate our fortune and life, and whatever else we can think of celebrating, and sleep in a warm comfortable bed for a night. It is a nice break from the streets.
I guess that brings us up to date. Today is one of those good days. We are celebrating in a warm hotel room with plenty of food and drink. I am happy. It is all relative, and I am happy considering the circumstances of my life right now. I don't know if I have it figured out, what happened to my life, to bring me where I am now, but I know that I made some choices, not all of them good and they have all contributed to who I am and where I am these days. Maybe tomorrow I will choose to change my life, maybe I won't. Living in the present seems to be what I do best.

South Park Again

Seawall

Smell of the ocean
Sound of the ocean
Flick of lighter behind, light from cigarette, smoker in the dark (couldn't see but knew was there)
Nature's fireworks off shore, no sound
Beautiful sky, hopes of shooting stars
Splash of small waves on the jacks
Hotel fireworks in the distance, no sound
Thick humid warm air, no breeze even near the water
Sound of flip-flops as lady passed
Planes landing and looping with lights flickering
Clouds rolled in, obscuring view, man's fireworks ended without a bang
Thoughts of him, perhaps looking at a similar sky

Goodbye

The weirdest thing happened to me this morning.

I was lying in bed sleeping, not completely, but trying. It was near 7:00am and I was home from work due to a sore throat.

I distinctly heard the sounds of footsteps coming down the stairs and walking towards the bedroom. I felt J kneel over me on the bed and rub his face in my hair very softly. I actually felt the pressure of him being there and all the sounds that would be associated with someone kneeling on the bed were there also. One of his hands was on my side over my body and I felt it there as if it were real.

I turned to look over my shoulder and opened my eyes and no one was there.

I looked at the clock.

(I had to stop writing because I was crying too hard. This felt like he was saying good bye to me. I know that this is what it would feel like if anything ever happened to him. I instantaneously started crying when this happened because I was sure that something bad had happened to him. I cried every time I thought about it the rest of the day and when I told my sister about it. It was horrible to not know if he was okay.)

Many Times

Many times I have found
That you've made me smile
When no one else could

Few times I have found
A person with whom I
Feel so comfortable

I don't know exactly
What it is that makes
You so special to me
But you are

Many times I have found
That I am at a loss for words
To explain my feelings for you

Few times I have found
A person that I could
Open myself up to

I don't know exactly
What it is that
Makes me feel this way
But I do

Letter From Popi

This is a letter I got from my dad while I was at college. I was going through some boxes today and came across it and it made me laugh out loud. He has a fantastic sense of humor. I dated this post to reflect when the letter was written.
___________________________________

Dear Mishka,

I sure have missed you lately, I miss our late night talks especially the ones where I pontificate like a big winded politician as if I knew what I was talking about, and you patiently put up with it.

I'm on my Saturday shift at "The X". From where I'm sitting, I am getting a perfect mix of Neil Diamond and Buck Owens.

I have a cold right now. I haven't had one for over a year, so I figure it was time to open up and let it in. Nobody ever thinks of those poor little cold germs out there looking for a home, their little flaggelum waving in the cold wind. Anyway, my nose is the size of a Texas grapefruit and bright red from honkin' goobers. Those little handkerchiefs get used up too fast, so I've got a bed sheet stuck in my back pocket. The trouble is, it drags on the ground behind me and people keep looking at me. I don't know why, it's just a twin.

I don't believe in feeling bad so Dr. O prescribed lots of drugs, any drugs - and I am complying. The trouble is, I haven't figured out how to smoke these aspirin. I tried to snort one, but it got stuck up around my brain. But don't worry; later on at a fancy company dinner with county and corporate executives, it blew right out into my mash potatoes. Then everybody went home without even finishing their chocolate pudding. So I finished it for them.

Work at the station is getting better. I was able to hire another person in production, so now, I'm pretty much off the board and out in the field shooting a lot. The art auction is in late October and pledge drive is in December, I could sure use you.

I finally got an amp for my guitar so, when nobody's around, I can play real loud. Sometimes, when I close my eyes and play, I think I'm Jimi Hendrix. I guess you could say I'm a legend in my own mind.

Your mom and I are looking at waveless waterbeds. We've been sleeping pretty badly lately, In the morning, I feel like I've been sleeping with turtles. When I first look in the mirror, I have those mattress patterns in my face and slobber in my mustache.

Your mom is still working hard and misses you. Your sister has dyed her hair red/burgundy again and misses you. Samantha still barks whenever someone farts in the next county and maybe misses you. I love and miss you.

Love, Dad